I don't know who needs to hear this right now, maybe it's just me
But in case I'm not the only one, I'm going to share this here to let you know that you are not alone in all this.

The last 8 or so weeks have been incredibly challenging. There have been ups and downs, immense blessing and painful frustration. Initially, when the world stopped, part of me was relieved. I was released from all of the extra obligations that I had committed to. We were able to slow down and connect as a family in a way we never have before. My children have bonded closer than ever. My children have had time to build and create and explore, to be children. This is something I highly value.

But then we need to leave our home and enter the world that has completely changed. A world where we are afraid to get too close to anyone. A world that is completely divided. Many of us are afraid that we, or our loved ones, are going to get terribly ill. Many of us are afraid that something much darker is going on. So we walk single file through the Red Apple, holding our own hands so as not to offend, infect or be infected. We grab  our kids a pair of sandals, because they have not quit growing, and we head out as quick as possible. We hurry home where there is at least some semblance of normal. 

But home is no longer normal either. Everything has changed there too. Some changes are good. Some are painful. And so we find ourselves in survival mode.

"There's no tired like pandemic tired" a friend shared with me this morning via a Marco Polo video. I had sent her a message yesterday admitting I just couldn't shake the tired. I have been doing everything that I know to do to the best of my abilities right now, and I just feel exhausted. And so today I am giving myself permission to be in survival mode. I'm looking at the situation around me, extending myself an extra measure of grace and accepting the state I am in.  What does this mean?
Does it mean that I give in and give up? Crawl back into bed and sleep this off? No, even though that sure sounds good right about now, it means that I have to readjust. I readjust my expectations and my priorities. 

I believe that everything happens for a purpose. Everything that happens can make us stronger and wiser. If we are willing to learn from it. However, I have to be intentional about considering everything as an opportunity to learn and grow.

I was resenting "survival mode". I hate survival mode. I hate the way I feel and the way I preform in survival mode. I want to wake up everyday filled with energy and joy. I want to float into the kitchen and make my children a delicious and nutritious meal. I want to gracefully and patiently teach my children their school lessons. I want to make play dough and plant my garden in perfect rows. I want to keep my home clean and tidy. I want to read books and go for bike rides. I want to raise chickens and build a coop. I want my children to learn powerful life lessons. I want to do my hair and make up and look like a goddess when my husband comes home at 11:00pm from field work. I want to prepare a delicious meal when he arrives. I WANT to do all these things because I love my family and want to be everything they need me to be right now because I know that they too are in their own survival mode.  

But those expectations are e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g. aren't they?

So I get up and take some time to sit with a hot beverage. I make sure my kids and I have eaten something. I get them going on their school work and I bounce around the house, starting a load of laundry, running the dishwasher, making sure the baby hasn't escaped, answering the school work questions, loading the schoolwork online, making the videos, message the teachers, slap on some mascara, toss together some sandwiches. Then I try get the baby down for a nap, when that fails, we go outside. We plant the garden in crooked rows ( I'm pretty sure I planted the carrots on top of the potatoes) And now, because my eyelids are so heavy I just want to crawl back into bed, however, I choose to sit in the swing and watch the kids play. 

And this, this is why I'm thankful for the fatigue. 
You see, I'm a do-er. If I have energy, if I feel like doing something. There is n.o  s.t.o.p.p.i.n.g  m.e. 
I go and go and go until I crash.  However, thanks to the fatigue, I am forced to slow down. 
To let go of perfection and embrace the life I have, and all that is in it. 

So, if right now, you find yourself in survival mode. I encourage you to ask youself, "how is this survival mode" FOR me. How is it helping me. Ask this question with an open mind, being wiling to see the beauty in it. 
Stop fighting it. Accept it. And learn from it.

Perhaps, like me, it is causing you to slow down, readjust and reprioritize. 
Perhaps it is giving you a chance to notice something that you may have otherwise missed.
Perhaps it is teaching you something
Perhaps it is making you stronger
Perhaps this season of survival mode is exactly what you need right now.

And when it feels like too much, reach out. Connect. You may be isolated right now, but you are not alone <3

Bless you friend! 

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Check out this video where I share a bit of my personal story


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